Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Ignore the Parrot

Mrs. Dawodu phoned the electrician because her television quit working. The electrician couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the TV, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you the money later. By the way, I have a large rotweiler (dog) inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the electrician, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove the electrician nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you just shut up!"

To which the parrot replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Telling Lies

Two Christian missionaries, David and Michael, were lost in a scorching desert, dying of thirst and hunger when at last they saw a Mosque upfront.
“Michael, let’s pretend we are Muslims. Otherwise, we will not get any food or water and we will die. My name will be Ahmed. What will be your name?” David said.

Michael refused to change his name. When both of them reached the Mosque, the Imam received them well and asked their names.

“My name is Ahmed.”, David said.

Michael replied: “My name is Michael.”

The Imam turned to his helpers and said: “Please bring food and water for Michael.”
Then he turned to David and said:“Brother Ahmed, Ramadan Mubarak..."

DAVID FAINTED

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

LASTMA palava

A true story from an acquaintance....

I was driving down a street along Alausa, having just finished answering a call, when a LASTMA official, suddenly, opened the passenger door, entered and jam-locked it. (The door's lock is faulty)

As usual, he wanted 'something' from me for calling while driving...
Suddenly, he saw the big Rothweiller dog, Jackie, at the back seat of the car, with tongue stuck out, spittle dripping and fangs barring, staring fiercely at him.

LASTMA Official: (Shaking) Ah! You carry dog?

Me: (I bone my face) Yes, I carry dog. Dat one na offense?

LASTMA Official: (Feeling uncomfortable) Na where una dey come from?

Me: From hospital.

LASTMA Official: Ehen! you sick?

Me: No, na person wey the dog bite we go see. The person almost die sef.

LASTMA Official: (Terribly shaken by now) Ehen! But why the dog dey shake head like that?

Me: Na so im dey do if e wan bite person.

LASTMA Official: The dog know you?

Me: Yes nah, no be my dog?

LASTMA Official: (Sweating) This your door, how you dey open am?

Me: How you take enter?

LASTMA Official: Abeg! Na since I dey try open am, but e no open. (The dog was now getting impatient and gave a small growl, its tongue almost touching the policeman's left ear).

LASTMA Official: (Now sliding forward) Oga, I take God beg you, open the door for me make I comot. I no go collect anything from you.

Me: How much you go pay me?

LASTMA Official: Ah! I neva hustle anything since morning. Na only N1,000 dey wit me.

Me: You neva ready. (I looked back at the dog).

LASTMA Official: Ok ok ok ok ok, e reach N2,000. The oda N1,000 na my wife own, but I go give you join. (Now, close to tears as the dog was becoming really impatient) Oga, I be......g, Oga, sorry. Take the N2,000 make you open the door plssssssse!

Me: Oya, bring am. (I collected the N2,000 & allowed him out of the car)

LASTMA Official: God punish you. Idiot, e no go ever better for you and your yeye dog. Wicked man!!!.

Monday, May 5, 2014

AFRICAN ROULETTE

A certain American President was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The President frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly, nice game."

The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the President.

This gained the President's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?"

The African leader said "One of them is a cannibal."

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Dual SIM phone

I know its been ages, but Life caught up with me for a while. Forgive me.
Here's a little tidbit to whet your appetite for the things to come:

Advice to husbands: "If your wife uses a dual SIM phone, save both numbers under one name: WIFE. NEVER save as Wife 1 and Wife 2. Trust me on this."
- From a Hospitalized Husband.